Monday, December 28, 2009

Yea A play... (A Rush of Blood to the Head)

A play

A Rush of Blood to the Head
Dwight Duren

Woman 1

A Bar/Nightclub
Friday Night

Will and James both work at the same firm. Will works in the marketing department where as James is in IT. They have had a hard week at work and they are enjoying a night on the town. Will is dressed sharply. James is dressed in “safe” clothes: not poorly dressed, but not up-to-date fashion, and slightly oversized glasses. They arrive at the club and set up at the bar. Loud, popular club music is playing.

Will: J-Dog! What’s been good my man? What you get into last weekend?

James: Oh, well nothing much. I tinkered around with my radio controlled model cars. That was fun for a while, but then my batteries died and I had to stop.

Will: That’s what she said… (Laughing)

James: That’s what she, hunh?

Will: Oh you’re shitting me right? You never seen the office?
(James looks intently, puzzled)

Will: Oh – uhm, wow. Err -- Yea, I guess you just dropped a deuce on me. Yup, right on my forehead. Like “sploooot”… Anyways, what you havin’, bro?

James: (pause) I guess I’ll have a Mai Tai

Will: A Mai Tai?
(slight pause)

Will: Sure thing. (to bartender) Hey I’ll have a Patron, chilled, and make sure you strain that joint good, I don’t want no lil bits of ice in it. That’s gonna be straight, no chaser. Oh yea, my buddy is gonna have a Mai Tai.
(Will pulls out a crisp $20 bill from a money clip)

Will: (to bartender) Keep the change. (to James) I don’t recognize this new cat. I hope he knows how to hook up a drink. I fucking hate when there’s ice in my tequila.

James: Yea, I know what you mean. I’m the same way. Except with my crystal light, I like when the powder sticks on the ice. It’s like a slurpee, but with oddly shaped cubes of –
(Bartender slides drinks over to Will. Will thanks him with a nod)

Will: Uh, yea. (An attractive female passes. Will nudges James) Check out the yams on that chick

James: Yams? Like, tubers?

Will: Hold my drink, stand back and watch ya boy in action.
(Will follows the woman onto the dance floor, out of the scene. James turns to lean against the bar. Every so often he sips and stirs his drink. A few moments pass and a female approaches James)

Woman 1: (audibly inebriated) You should buy me a drink.

James: No thanks, I already have one, see? My buddy just bought me this one. (Points to dance floor)

Woman 1: What are you, some sort of deceptacon? On the down-load?! One of those, uhm, metrosexuals?

James: L-O-L. Do I look like a robot? (slight pause) Don’t answer that. (He chuckles slightly)
(Music fills the silence between them. The song fades then a new song comes on.)

Woman 1: It’s my sooooonnnnnggggg! Finally! I was waitin’ for an excuse to be out. Hey, Weird Al what’s-your-face – don’t chop nobody up tonight.
(She leaves; James waves at her back, smiling.)

James: Thanks! You too! T-T-Y-L! Bye-eee! It was nice talking with you! (James raises his voice as she gets further away. Will returns)

Will: Alright J! I see you, homie! Who was that?

James: You know what, I didn’t even –

Will: Dude, forreal, you shoulda seen the WORK I was putting on with her. Thank God for cell phones. If it won’t for this lil number here (holds up phone) I wouldn’t know what to call her when she’s serving me breakfast in bed tomorrow morning. But I would remember that cherry lip gloss she had on. Hey, you still got my drink, son?

James: Yea, it’s right –
(Someone bumps James in the back, James splashes some of his drink splashes on Will)

Will: Shit, this is a $300 shirt! Fuck, man!

James: Oh gosh, I’m sorry Will. You didn’t see – someone careened into me and –

Will: Oh man, don’t sweat it. I was gonna take this shit back to Nordstrom anyway. I’mma go assess the damage in the bathroom. Besides, I had to take a leak, anyway. Be right back.

(Will turns and heads to the bathroom. James puts the drinks onto the bar, grabs some napkins and wipes his hands. James then turns and heads for the bathroom as well. Will is a few lengths ahead of James. Will enters the bathroom first, James enters a few seconds later. The bathroom is smallish, 2 urinals and 2 stalls. Both urinals are separated by a short privacy wall and are available for use. Will walks up to one. James pulls up to the other available urinal. Will unzips his fly and tilts his head back)

James: Hey man, I never thanked you for the –

Will: Holy shit, man! What are you a fucking ninja?!

James: Only on Thursdays (James laughs and turns his head to look at Will.)

Will: (Will looking ahead at the wall) Shit man, you almost made me piss on my loafers.

James: (Still looking at Will) Nothing peachy about soggy bread.

Will: Soggy bread? (Will does a double take noticing James looking directly at him) Dude, man, you’re my boy and all, but I’mma need you to… You know what, nevermind.

(Will zips his pants back up, turns, and walks into an open stall. The toilet seat can be heard being knocked down onto the commode. Will, still clothed, sits then grunts)

James: You know you shouldn’t force it. You may want to lay off the dairy too and eat more whole grains. My grandma buys these individually wrapped prune things I –

Will: Thanks Captain Wikipedia, what do you do, moonlight as a proctologist?

James: That’s what she said!

Will: Ok, so my boy is a booty-ninja and he ruins perfectly good jokes.
(They chuckle)

James: So man, what’s the secret? How does one get to be like you? Do you have a book or something?

(Will lets out another grunt. Will makes a fart noise with his mouth, then a splash noise)

Will: Oh man, I’m gonna have to lay off the Chipotle.

James: Hey, did you hear –

Will: J-Dog, your killing me. I’m trying to concentrate on dropping the kids off at the pool.

James: Oh, my apologies. Should I head back over to the bar?

Will: Yea man, you better hurry. (grunts) I had guac. You probably shouldn’t inhale much more of this mustard gas anyway. (makes a fart noise)
(James washes his hands and exits the bathroom. A few minutes pass and Will joins him back at the bar.)

Will: Phew man, that’s much better. You know what they say, hot on the way down, hot on the way out. (Will chuckles)

James: I’d rather not talk about your poop-scapades.

Will: Well what’s got your man-tees in a bunch?

(Will playfully punches James’ arm. James ignores him, stares at bottles behind the bar)

Will: Oh, is it – is it because I’m fucking your mom? Look J-Dog, I didn’t want you to find out about it like this. We were gonna tell you. You know she really likes it when I –
(James suddenly strikes Will, knocking Will to the floor unconscious. The music stops)

James: My mother is a saint! God rest her soul! You marketing jerks are all the same, putting people down. So self absorbed, we all know you’re just insecure! (James looks down, notices a spreading puddle around Will’s legs) yea, you peed on more than just your loafers, ha ha! You may be able to take those designer jeans and designer underwear with the skid marks back to Nordstrom, but who’s going to take that shattered ego back!? Yea, good luck getting a new one of those you – you - butt head!

Bartender: Hey man!

(James turns to face the bartender)

Bartender: Up top buddy! (Bartender raises his hand for high five). That dickwad has been coming here for years and he still swears I’m the new bartender. I’m the friggin’ owner! He once tried to pay his tab with expired Kroger coupons. Then when we told him we don’t take no coupons, he told us his waitresses was a hooker, started humping her leg like a Boston terrier, saying “you can do this to her too! She my best girl! She love you long time!” And get this, he was SOBER! Yup, dry as a saltine in the Sahara! But Lemme tell you what happen after he drunk–

(Will, still unconscious, lays on the floor. A waitress erects a wet floor sign over Will. The woman from before approaches James; James emphatically gives her "the hand". The bartender slides James a drink. The music starts back up and the party continues)

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